New Years Day 2022. Here’s to a year for optimism, letting go of the past and moving on. Here’s to keeping fit, losing weight and staying happy. I’ve met someone new.. he seems normal. He seems nice. I’m terrified of anything more serious happening, of getting hurt, of being that vulnerable again. How do youContinue reading “Onwards”
Today in therapy we addressed how I view the end of relationships. I usually feel intense shame, disappointment and rejection. I internalise all the blame and smash my self esteem even further into the ground. Sometimes I wonder if I should send a “survey monkey” to people I’ve dated and find out what I didContinue reading “Reframing perceptions”
So that wasn’t ideal. Getting excited about a date…then the guy turning up 30mins late… and just not being what I expected. I had such high hopes but he didn’t match up to what I wanted, wasn’t on my wavelength, and just had no real substance. I signed up to dating apps after that. ButContinue reading “Stand down”
…with several developments I now am the proud owner of a neutered kitty, a Primary FRCA qualification and a potential date! I said to myself I’d start dating again once I’ve passed the Primary, and the same day I passed a guy I met at a party several months ago asked me out for aContinue reading “Its been a long time…”
I hate talking about what went wrong in relationships. I hate recalling the rejection. It hits me viscerally, raw animal pain. I actively avoid reliving those moments where my world falls apart (or, more commonly, the imagined world I had made up in my head in anticipation). Michelle was very understanding with this today, evenContinue reading “Red Flags”
Sometimes when I look at my eyes in the mirror I’m reminded of Andrew, Ed and Ethan’s brown eyes and I have a fleeting intrusive thought to gauge out the memories from their orbits. Then I realise that’s disgusting and would hurt and I wouldn’t be able to see all the beauty that’s in thisContinue reading “Brown eyed Girl”
So much can happen in 10 years, but then again, not much has changed. I’m still very much single, in debt, avec petite chat noir. The resounding regret I have is that I spent my youth dreaming of my “happy ever after” and I haven’t found it. Yes, I potentially have another 40 – 50Continue reading “Karma is a bitch”
Today is all we have.
We can have a loose plan for the future, but today is what really matters.
Today is properly one of the first days since The Event and preceding months that I feel like myself. I managed to get up, go paddle-boarding BY MYSELF, sort out OH admin, phone people, 1.5hours of Norwegian lessons AND ALSO go to the gym. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come, given a weekContinue reading “Road to Recovery”
Every day I wish I would find a little notification of a message request from you. Or a text or something, anything to let me know you still think of me how I think of you. Every day I remember moments of our brief encounters, your skin on mine, the sparkle in your eyes, theContinue reading “Every day”